Journal #24
Today marks my 42nd lap around the sun. It is also the day my house goes up for auction and my 10-week sobriety experiment is complete. I am feeling a mix of emotions. The lead-up to today has been a rollercoaster. Bouts of anxiety interweaved with unusual calmness.
As I write this in the pitch black at 5.30 am, I reflect on the last ten weeks. Giving up alcohol was an interesting experiment. I have always read that it takes eight weeks to change a habit, and with my birthday in sight, I thought ten weeks was a good goal. I have only ever had one break from alcohol, and it was for four weeks. The other times' social things got in the way, and I would cave. So ten weeks was a fantastic achievement.
This experiment's first reason was to see if I could do it. To test my willpower, strength and motivation. Something I have always struggled with, thanks to my undefined heart, not just with alcohol but with anything. But what surprised me was that I smashed it, and with ease. I put myself in many tempting situations: nice dinners, birthday parties, and catch-ups at the pub, and not once did I waiver. The thought of drinking never really crossed my mind. And that shocked me. It got me thinking, what was the motivating factor here? What was keeping my mind strong? When I thought about it, I discovered I liked how I felt. I liked the energy and clarity that it gave me. The consistency of knowing just how I would feel on the weekend. Rested, energised, present and with no hangover in sight. That felt bloody good.
My second reason was to give my body a reset. Behind the scenes, I have been suffering from a hormone imbalance. I was diagnosed with PCOS many moons ago and am borderline insulin resistant. Without boring you with the details, I struggle with my weight. No matter how healthy I am and how much exercise I do, weight is one thing I cannot shed, and when I relax and let go, it is the one thing I can put on in a flash. My body is working against me. This is my Achilles heel and one thing I have been going to the depths of to discover the cause. I am on a mission. Giving up drinking has helped fix a few key factors, but weight loss was not one of them. I didn't replace alcohol with sugar, but I know now that my alcohol intake before was not the problem. I can scrap that off the list. Taking it out has made me feel better, though. My sinuses have cleared up. My skin is glowing. My sleep is a thousand times better, and my menstrual cycle has gone from 32 to 29 days, which is huge for me. So in my eyes, they are big wins.
The last ten weeks haven't been smooth sailing. My husband and I decided to put our house on the market to embark on an exciting move back to the Inner West. This is the second time we have sold a property together, but never a house with two kids, a dog and a cat and never one with a garden as big as ours. It has been HUGE, to say the least. Burnout has been rearing its ugly head in many ways, from weird body aches to extreme tiredness and anxiety. Even with my knowledge of myself and my energy, burnout is always a possibility when you push yourself too hard. We took on a massive physical and mental load, and this is just stage 1 of the whole process. Thankfully after today or the next week, I can hopefully tick that box, done.
Not drinking, even with burnout, has saved me. Yes, in the more stressful moments, I would have killed for a cold beer or wine as relief or to unwind, but I didn't. My newfound willpower stopped me. This brings me to my final reason, to change my drinking behaviour. It wasn't so much an intention I started with but one that came to my attention throughout the ten weeks. Last year I would have said that I had a rubber arm. I was always happy to bend it at the right moment and then regretted it the next day when I wasn't feeling great. The older I get, the worse alcohol makes me feel. Being someone who needs to show up midweek for people and hold space for them, having energy keeps me going, so I needed to change my bendy arm behaviour. Perhaps it stems from FOMO, but if I am to be completely honest with myself, it comes mostly from people pleasing. The underlining need to prove my loyalty, to show I am a good friend so that I will join in. Sounds crazy right, but the mind does crazy things. The ten weeks had shown me I am still the same Billie without it. I can still join in and be fun. I wasn't missing out on anything. People were happy to accept that I was not drinking. It wasn't a problem at all. And that felt good.
So here I am; today is the deadline, my birthday. And what a great birthday present I gave myself. I finally finished something and gained so much newfound wisdom along the way. I will have champagne today to celebrate all the hard work I have put in with the house, surrounded by friends. It will be top shelf because I bloody deserve it, but I will treat it like a piece of cake or special dessert and treasure it.
I feel like a different person today. My overall outlook has changed. I have become more connected to myself than I ever have before. My intuition is strong. I have let go of old destructive behaviours and welcomed newer, healthier ones. I look at myself in a new light. I don't let my judgements about who I am or what I look like get the better of me. This is me. A woman in her 40s, and I love that. I am more sure of myself than I have ever been. I have wisdom on my side, but with more to learn, and I am excited.
