Journal #19
For years I lived a life based on expectations. The expectation I placed on myself to live a life that I thought I SHOULD be living rather than the life I wanted to live but was not privy to at the time. Don’t get me wrong; I lived a privileged life. I grew up in an amazingly creative, loving family; surrounded by inspiring and humble role models. I was and still am very lucky. There is no denying that. But even those with privilege can have conditioning they need to confront. Often, like me, you do not realise the conditioning exists until you stop, reflect and discover what you were striving for, perhaps was contributing to the conditioning all along. This was me at 35. A year after my daughter, our second child, was born. I felt lost and confused. I lacked motivation, passion and creativity. I was stuck and desperate to understand myself on a deeper level. I wanted more.
So who was I? I wasn’t sure.
What I did know was this. I am the youngest in my family. I was the shy, sensitive one who would cry at the drop of a hat. To give myself credit, I had a lot of love to offer, almost too much, so when I got hurt, I hurt deep. Yet, being the people pleaser that I was, and I stress the word ‘was, I would be so quick to judge my actions rather than the actions of the person who hurt me to keep the peace. The confrontation was and still is not my strong suit.
People-pleasing was something I had always done; I knew no different. I was subconscious to it. How it started, who knows, yet somewhere along the line, something must have happened that I decided I was not worthy. So I began my search for recognition, for external validation to prove my worth in the world. To prove my loyalty to others as a way to feel valued. If only I knew back then that my self-worth comes from within, not from others. I am all I need in this world to feel valued and seen. Try telling that to an impressionable teenager, adventurous young adult and nervous new mum.
Speaking of motherhood, I began noticing my people-pleasing ways after having Edie. More importantly, I started paying attention to just how exhausted I was. I also felt frustrated when I said ‘yes’ when I didn’t have the energy to say ‘no’. I was angry. Angry at myself for not having the confidence to say no. To stand up for me, for my needs and wants. The issue was I was also lost. I couldn’t identify what I wanted or needed except for these things. I knew I wanted to change. I wanted to understand myself better. I wanted to be passionate about something. I wanted to be creative again, but not how I always defined my creativity.
Then, and without sounding too cliche, Human Design landed in my lap. Sceptical at first, perhaps even confused by it all, but as I dived into my chart, I was able to peel back the layers of conditioning to view myself from a different perspective. It was my clean slate to rebuild from. But this time, I had a new sense of clarity about how to use my energy out in the world. It introduced me to my intuition that I had been ignoring for my whole life. Human Design permitted me to be myself, to learn to say no as a way to protect my energy so I could use it for the things I enjoy. And this, my friends, as simple as it sounds, was a game changer!! Slowly I began to recognise things in myself I didn’t see but perhaps others have always seen. It felt like I was piecing together the puzzle of Billie. I still am, three years on. The more I dive deep into my chart, the more I discover. It is crazy. Oh, so many ‘AHA’ moments.
This is me. At the ripe old age of 41. Living a life that I couldn’t of imagined in my wildest dreams. Running a small business where I get to help others discover themselves just like I did. Holding space so they can feel seen and heard. And for that, I am genuinely thankful.
I have no regrets in my life so far. Despite the people-pleasing, I had some epic experiences that got me to where I am today. Sometimes you have to go through darkness to have growth and to have grown to be true to yourself.
